Monday, August 31, 2009

I Guess This Is It

I stepped into University full of hope and aspiration, with the urge to learn and to explore what is beyond my imagination. I entered University to discover who I am and what I can be.
Don't have to remind me... I am being naive... I know

Some where along the path, my spirit dampen, my hopes crushed, my aspiration disappeared, my courage diminished, my ambition shrunk. I think this is it.

After so many tries and so much effort, I still foolishly believe that perseverance is the key to enlightenment. Perhaps it is. And I am just not patient enough or worthy enough for it. It is extremely heart breaking to see many sleepless nights of effort, many battles fought with blood, sweat and tears, all reduced to nothing but smoke and dust.

I am starting to doubt myself. I am no longer sure of my abilities anymore. That is the consequences of letting go of my pride and ego perhaps? Am I even in the right course, doing the right field of studies?

Alas... I shall take inspiration from my favourite poem "IF" by Rudyard Kipling.

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

I must not doubt myself even everyone doubts me. I must not live on clouds nor stay too firmly on the ground. I must rediscover the passion of taking risk within me and explore the possibilities everywhere. I must try to love my friends and enemies alike.

God, please give me the strength to finish what I started
and to accept the painful fact that such is the limit of my capabilities
and not mourn over what I cannot change.

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