Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What Happen?

Is it that the world is unfair?

Or simply that I am not doing enough?

After weeks and weeks of quizzes, exams, assignments and all, I have to admit that I am losing stamina.

Degree programme is a long distance marathon, unlike the Foundation style of sprint.

I sit for exams until the feeling of anxiety is no longer there.
I rush for deadlines until I don't really care if I hand it up or not.
I study for quizzes until I don't know what to feel.

I am disappointed with myself.
I spent days and nights studying and trying to have fun at the same time. I used to enjoy studying science so much because it really challenges me mentally and creatively. But these few weeks, I have ceased to ponder on why, I have stopped asking questions, I have lost my interest in knowing science itself.

And the most discouraging thing is that my test scores aren't that good, even when compared to the class average. Even spending hours doing my reports and assignments result in test scores that are less than expected. Am I doing it wrongly? Am I studying not smart enough? Or I am just studying hard?

I miss the eureka feeling when I finally understand something.
I miss the fun of enlightenment about science and all the things that I study.
I miss the moment of mental orgasm when I achieve my targets.

All of a sudden,
my brain is so tired,
my heart doesn't want to struggle anymore,
my soul is diminishing in spirit.
Reading motivational books or inspiring quotes no longer work.
I just feel like throwing my life out the window.

How come some people had it so easy?
What happened to me?

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