Monday, May 25, 2009

Insight Into My Soul

After a quite intriguing but not unexpected discussion with a dear friend, I took a moment to think for a while.

I got a comment that my blog is getting impersonal and focus mostly on reviews and factual stuff. In fact I took a look at my history and realised that comment is actually true. I used to talk about feelings and incidents in my life then it got more and more abstract and I talked about movie reviews and scientific stuff and current issues discussions.

I asked myself what triggered the transformation of style? What made me so impersonal in my own blog?

Then I realised, it all happened after a certain incident. My self defense mechanism kicked up and got to work. Putting personal touches into things and people increases the risk of getting hurt by these things and people. I had this feeling that exposing my personal self to the public through this blog made me vulnerable. Things that I previously put on my blog started to laugh at me with such sinical smirk. I was living in false security, false hope, false love; and I put it on my blog. So when a certain incident occured, I started to withdraw and focus on more impersonal things. Simply because talking about my life paint such a false image to myself and to others.

Nonetheless, the reviews I did on the blog, the poems that I wrote, the lyrics that I created, are all very personal to me. I can honestly say that there is not a fake moment or a made-up situation posted on my blog. Just that it is more on general stuff. Because I find that being personal may be painful.

And people can and will change. After every incident, a person learn and grow with it. Even little things said or done without conscious can leave such impact on others. I don't believe that one can forever stay the way he/she is. Because situation changes, things changes, and we as human will change to adapt. The change might not be up to one's satisfaction or expectation, but people do change.

PS : I usually don't explain myself. This post is written for someone that I care for very much as a friend. This post is written for someone whose opinion I still highly regard. You might not be reading my blog anymore because you say that it is "boring and irrelevant" but I do hope that you will read this post. Maybe the way I changed is not to your liking, but I did change. I don't know it is for the better or worse, but I've learnt my lesson, grew up with the incident and therefore, I changed.

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