Monday, November 8, 2010

Machete - A Review

This is one movie with so much tits and blood you forgot about the movie in the first 30 seconds.

Danny Trejo plays an ex-Federale named Machete that revenges against Robert de Niro and Steven Seagal over I don't know what. Then a lot of hot females the like of Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan taking off their shirts and shaking their tits at the audiences. Then director Robert Rodriguez decides that it is time for someone to die and splashed a whole lot of red corn syrup all over the screen with rubbery looking intestines flying all over the place. Before you know it, everyone kisses the fugly guy named Machete and everything ends in a bloodbath.

Seriously, the story DOES NOT make sense. So does Kill Bill. Or Grindhouse. Is Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino trying to outdo each other in making senseless B-grade movie that still look awesome at some point?

This movie has practically no plot. And it surprises the audience with the most unexpected thing. Like you didn't expect to see Jessica Alba's tits in the scene right after a blood fight. Or Lindsay Lohan's tits right after a break-in. I mean, you break in to steal something right? Who in the right mind would expect macho Machete to break in, make out with Lindsay Lohan, then steal things? Get what I mean?

This being a Robert Rodriguez production, everything IS expected to look B-grade. And he didn't bother to cover that fact. It is like slamming it against our face! Look at all the blood and gore and brains and intestines flying around! And all the crazy ways to kill people. Robert Rodriguez should direct Final Destination 7 'cause he is so darn creative in brutally murdering extras off the set!

I only really really like Michelle Rodriguez in the last few scenes of the movie.

She is the only girl who didn't show off her tits and she is the only girl holding big ass guns shooting people up!

She so deserves more screen time than Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan is practically, useless?

Yes, a visual feast of sex and violence for MOST brainless male humour. Not really of substance and I don't really see the signature tribute to any pop-culture. None the less, I still enjoy the style of Robert Rodriguez.

Ratings : 6.0/10

1 comment:

Shaun said...

Wait Jessica Alba naked? Not so much. A) Side boob doesn't count normally, and it especially doesn't count if she and Robert Rodriguez agreed to go in and use CGI to remove the white bikini it was filmed in (this was easily found on the net I googled - Was Jessica Alba Nude in Machete, which totally bummed me out, I though she finally gave up on her I won't do nude scenes in my movie stuff, but no). Lohan was there for reasons that are beyond me, because ever movie needs that actress that can't act perhaps? The movie in itself was a great movie if you a fan of this type of movie, I couldn't see any better way to kill some time then laugh at this movie. The best part for me was getting to watch Steven Seagal die in the movie, only the second time that has happened, it was a cherished part of the movie for me. In fact when I found the movie on EPIX page at DISH online earlier this week I watched that scene five times in a row because I knew Steven Seagal wouldn't be back for the sequel. I mean where else can you see a chain gun on the front of a chopper being driven by Trejo or the use of human intestines for ropes? I found that a lot of people look to deep into the movie, which you can't do with this type of movie because their in depth to it, unless we are gauging the volume of fake blood they used. I enjoyed the movie, in fact after I get off work from DISH after my night shift I might have to watch it again just for the fun of ending my week on a bloody funny note.


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